From October onwards, the TV exposes us all at far too regular intervals to....
ALL those perfect families,
in ALL their perfect homes,
stuffing themselves with ALL that perfectly prepared food.
(I wonder if mum felt the same way as I do now, all those years ago)
So what could possibly have gone wrong?
The complaining woman promptly had a row with her husband for which I somehow was to blame.
He thought (quite understandably) that I was giving him some sort of psychological message...need I go on?
(my kids are for ever telling me how embarrassing I am)...the days of their undying loyalty being only a hazy memory..
I am only embarrassing in that I do not sit quietly in a corner doing my knitting like any self respecting grandmother...
..I want to LIVE LIFE !
There would be no depression resulting from family refusing invites, as they would not be invited... the sequelae of that being ...no family eruptions....why hadn't I thought of this before!
My fab godchildren AND even eldest son plus daughter in law and grandchild also thought it might be fun to stay with the Bonkers Old Bat (me) as did a few other family members who I thought had quite disowned me....
There HAD to be some sort of secret to putting on a "Good Show"
A moment of such Gargantuan Damascusian proportions that I was momentarily quite overwhelmed with my own brilliance.
The secret lay in the word "Show".
Now, I have done quite a bit of public speaking in my life and have always felt that your duty as a Speaker is to entertain..in other words, put on "a show."
And What are the THREE vital ingredients to putting on a "good show"?
Why do I always get an auto immune attack at Xmas?
Because I get into a fearful panic and stress myself into a frenzy.
This process stimulates the "Fear, Flight, Fight reflex"
which in turn causes the body to produce amongst other things like adrenaline, vast amounts of the hormone cortisol.
This brings on my corneal ulceration..painfully blinding..lumps around joints, anorexia and other jolly symptoms.
So, AVOID stress at all costs.
I immediately bought all Christmas presents...paid someone to wrap and label them. In addition, a few extra presents in "Present Chest" in case of unexpected visitors.
The panic of last minute wrapping now avoided.
Called Waitrose and ordered EVERY BIT of required food to be made by them..
didn't even feel guilty at ordering their mashed potatoes.
Organised for a couple of girls to do all the serving of drinks, food and washing up.
Found a photographer to take some pics of what I was beginning to think had the beginnings of a half way decent Xmas.
Made up all the beds in the house weeks in advance.
Decorated house and bought tree by 1st December.
Made a play list of decent music in advance to avoid the usual rummaging around dvds for music when someone felt like dancing.
Learnt a few line dances off You Tube, so that should people want to dance there would be no problems with "partners"
Tuned all instruments in the event of a "jam"
Made certain all leads worked plus microphone and amps.
Instructed husband to get in LOADS of alcohol...surprisingly, he did not so much as flinch at this request...
Normally, there would be some remarks about me and my friends all suffering from chronic alcoholic poisoning ...
Perhaps because this year one of his family was admitted to hospital with chronic liver disease secondary to booze he was more amenable.
And if you are thinking that this was all a very expensive and massive cheat, I can only agree with you..
It was worth it.
Old Loony Tunes and family were the first to arrive..Both he, and wife (a GP) having expressed their usual surprise that I was still not yet 6 feet under, acknowledged that it must be my Viking blood that kept me alive, and, therefore, we made great plans for forthcoming skiing trip and they even invited themselves for a summer holiday to my dream house on the basis that it wouldn't be locked up in probate as a result of my impending demise...
Son and family arrived and were utterly charming.
Grand daughter, a smashing little extrovert, got things going as she insisted on showing us all how well she could sing and dance...
soon the house was stuffed with all age groups..
The line dancing was a terrific success (I STRONGLY recommend it as an alternative to those ghastly Xmas games.....
You know the ones...Monopoly... Charades and Trivial Pursuits...nothing trivial about THAT game..I have known it break up relationships)
The music room was soon throbbing.
A "Full On Jam" with godson on drum kit, son on piano, guitar and vocals. Me on electronic piano (Xmas present from husband) and all the singers harmonising while the others danced.
Grand daughter took to the microphone like a real pro along with all the other good vocalists...have you heard "The wheels on the bus go round and round" sung "Blues Style" in several harmonies?
Those not of musical persuasion lounged in my new "smoking room" drinking eating and generally flirting ...TWO new romances on the bubble.
I became rather weepy at some of the really thoughtful gifts I received and went into complete Blub mode on being presented with a poster that was supposed to describe me...it only hinted at a scintilla of insanity!
Oh Dear, This all sounds too self satisfied for words...
I can ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE
(From past experience) that my current feeling of unusual happiness will be completely shattered by some impending doom filled event within 48hrs max.
So please allow me a few hours of relative relief from lifes dramas..
Even as I say good bye
and toodle pip for now,
I have a frightful sense of foreboding.
yours as ever ,